seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
