So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
