my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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