Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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