Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
