Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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