Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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