i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
