We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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