he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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