You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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