barbara walters just said penis...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
