we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
