My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
