So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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