just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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