Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
