the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
