in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
