just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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