I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
