just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
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drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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