everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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