I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
