11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
