On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize