He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize