That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
