there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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