how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
