What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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