There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
