Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
