you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
