I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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