Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
