id be glad to
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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