why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
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And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
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Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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