Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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