I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
