sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
