I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man