I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
