haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just puked most of my soul out..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
