I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
