okay pat passed out under dana's car
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
