you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
