yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
