wakey wakey hands off snakey
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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