the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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