Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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