The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
