i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
