i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
