I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
